Friday, December 29, 2017
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
the one i've been avoiding.
so.
hi there.
this feels a little awkward, me trying to start writing here again after just disappearing last year. I told you i was training for a half-marathon, and we were right in the middle of a guest room renovation, and then I just stopped sharing. I have no excuses. well, I have them, but none of them are all that good. the truth is, i was sharing some things, but not the things that really mattered to me; the things that kept me up at night and made my heart hurt. and only sharing the shiny parts seemed empty.
so now I'm sharing:
a lot can and has happened over the last 36 months: I have fallen into and then back out of love with baby names. I have taken my temperature more times than I ever did in my previous 27 years combined. I cried at weddings and baby showers and funerals. I completed several different exercise regimens, and gave up on multiple diets. I decided not to sign up for several things that would have been so much fun "because i'll probably have a baby by then." friends of mine have been pregnant. twice. I have been promoted at work. I have questioned whether or not I actually want to ever have kids. I have seen the word "infertility" in heartbreaking official doctor handwriting. we have talked to fertility specialists, and evaluated our feelings about fostering and adoption. I almost just gave up completely and got a puppy.
the first year (omg2014), I lived in a perpetual state of blind optimism. we were both young, healthy, responsible adults: I figured it would be a matter of months before we would get to share happy news with family friends.
instead, the months just kept going, eventually fading into a hazy stress-filled loop of timing, temperatures, vitamins, waiting, and hope, but ultimately ending in crushing disappointment, tears, and wine. I told a few people that we were trying, but eventually even talking about it made me cry, so I stopped, and settled myself into the loop.
and then after a while i decided to take a step to change the loop, because it turns out that living my life in a state of waiting with no end in sight was proving to be miserable. so I played on an indoor soccer team with my coworkers last winter. I trained for and ran a half-marathon in Yellowstone with my mom. I let my husband get a motorcycle. I turned the extra room in my house into a craft room instead of a nursery. I dyed my hair like fire.
but I still didn't talk about it. it was foremost in my mind, and every month was just the same old loop of silently hoping, stressing, waiting, doubting, desperation, rage, bleeding, crying, and wine. I never said anything because I didn't want to be the girl who cried infertility a few weeks before finding out she was pregnant. I didn't want people to treat me differently if they knew what I was struggling with. but I also kind of did want them to treat me differently - I wanted them to understand, but I didn't want to cry in front of them. because crying would show weakness, and I needed to be strong. I wanted them to know I was struggling, but I didn't want to burden them with it, because I knew everyone else has their own struggles, some of them seemingly so much bigger than my own. I didn't want them to borrow my struggle- I wanted it to be my own, even though I was crumbling under the weight of it. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but neither does infertility.
and now I think I'm done with that whole silent thing, too. so I'm talking about it. or at least writing it here. and then maybe I might work up the nerve to say it out loud to people, face to face. and then I might be able to make a real plan for moving forward through it.
its unexplained infertility. and it sucks.
hi there.
this feels a little awkward, me trying to start writing here again after just disappearing last year. I told you i was training for a half-marathon, and we were right in the middle of a guest room renovation, and then I just stopped sharing. I have no excuses. well, I have them, but none of them are all that good. the truth is, i was sharing some things, but not the things that really mattered to me; the things that kept me up at night and made my heart hurt. and only sharing the shiny parts seemed empty.
so now I'm sharing:
a lot can and has happened over the last 36 months: I have fallen into and then back out of love with baby names. I have taken my temperature more times than I ever did in my previous 27 years combined. I cried at weddings and baby showers and funerals. I completed several different exercise regimens, and gave up on multiple diets. I decided not to sign up for several things that would have been so much fun "because i'll probably have a baby by then." friends of mine have been pregnant. twice. I have been promoted at work. I have questioned whether or not I actually want to ever have kids. I have seen the word "infertility" in heartbreaking official doctor handwriting. we have talked to fertility specialists, and evaluated our feelings about fostering and adoption. I almost just gave up completely and got a puppy.
the first year (omg2014), I lived in a perpetual state of blind optimism. we were both young, healthy, responsible adults: I figured it would be a matter of months before we would get to share happy news with family friends.
instead, the months just kept going, eventually fading into a hazy stress-filled loop of timing, temperatures, vitamins, waiting, and hope, but ultimately ending in crushing disappointment, tears, and wine. I told a few people that we were trying, but eventually even talking about it made me cry, so I stopped, and settled myself into the loop.
and then after a while i decided to take a step to change the loop, because it turns out that living my life in a state of waiting with no end in sight was proving to be miserable. so I played on an indoor soccer team with my coworkers last winter. I trained for and ran a half-marathon in Yellowstone with my mom. I let my husband get a motorcycle. I turned the extra room in my house into a craft room instead of a nursery. I dyed my hair like fire.
but I still didn't talk about it. it was foremost in my mind, and every month was just the same old loop of silently hoping, stressing, waiting, doubting, desperation, rage, bleeding, crying, and wine. I never said anything because I didn't want to be the girl who cried infertility a few weeks before finding out she was pregnant. I didn't want people to treat me differently if they knew what I was struggling with. but I also kind of did want them to treat me differently - I wanted them to understand, but I didn't want to cry in front of them. because crying would show weakness, and I needed to be strong. I wanted them to know I was struggling, but I didn't want to burden them with it, because I knew everyone else has their own struggles, some of them seemingly so much bigger than my own. I didn't want them to borrow my struggle- I wanted it to be my own, even though I was crumbling under the weight of it. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but neither does infertility.
and now I think I'm done with that whole silent thing, too. so I'm talking about it. or at least writing it here. and then maybe I might work up the nerve to say it out loud to people, face to face. and then I might be able to make a real plan for moving forward through it.
its unexplained infertility. and it sucks.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
the one with all the running.
once upon a time, (about seven years ago) I ran four miles, and it was a complete accident. I was a senior in college, and there was this boy. every evening after dinner, he would go to the fitness center on campus to work out. so I started going to the fitness center after dinner to work out. because in my little twitterpated mind, I figured that if we worked out at the same time that we could finish working out at the same time and probably walk back to the apartments at the same time. it would be a chance for conversation that would be totally organic and natural and not at all forced. (ha!) as a bonus, I would get to watch him lift heavy things from my post on the treadmill. win win win.
except that said boy worked out for a LONG time. which meant that I stayed on that treadmill WAY longer than I ever anticipated. and then suddenly I had ran four miles and given myself shin splints and only managed to have one tiny conversation by the water fountain with said boy about how I probably needed to buy new running shoes. and then i stopped going to the fitness center after dinner.
about 2 years later, I married that boy. win.
in 2 weeks, I will run four miles again, and it will be on purpose. and then I will keep going. all the way up to 13.1 miles in Yellowstone in June. if all goes according to my training plan, I will end up somewhere near 250 total miles.
my registration is in. my plane tickets are bought. my running buddy is 5 weeks ahead of me in her training. there is no turning back.
#YSHalf. here we go.
except that said boy worked out for a LONG time. which meant that I stayed on that treadmill WAY longer than I ever anticipated. and then suddenly I had ran four miles and given myself shin splints and only managed to have one tiny conversation by the water fountain with said boy about how I probably needed to buy new running shoes. and then i stopped going to the fitness center after dinner.
about 2 years later, I married that boy. win.
in 2 weeks, I will run four miles again, and it will be on purpose. and then I will keep going. all the way up to 13.1 miles in Yellowstone in June. if all goes according to my training plan, I will end up somewhere near 250 total miles.
my registration is in. my plane tickets are bought. my running buddy is 5 weeks ahead of me in her training. there is no turning back.
#YSHalf. here we go.
Monday, February 15, 2016
project update: the guest room, still.
I have started this post no less than three times, and just had to erase it all and start over, because it was all whining. poor me, this project is taking longer than I thought it would. poor me, my husband is doing all the work. poor me, he is very focused on all the details so these rooms are going to be completely amazing when they're done.
pathetic.
so instead of that, let me tell you all about our new door!
the door showed up in the hallway right before the weekend of snowpocalypse 2016. Mark wanted to make sure we were fully prepared for every possible scenario that might have come along with being snowed in under two feet of snow for a few days, so we stocked up on milk, bread, rock salt, and pre-hung doors.
one of the many, many little details in this project was the doorway threshold. even though this doorway was original to the house, it had already been turned into a plain old wall when the hardwood floors were installed in the hallway, and then it was still a wall when the floors were refinished last year, so we needed to add a few boards in the new doorway so the transition into the room looked intentional and like this door had always been here.
look at that! a real-live door filling the door-sized hole in the wall!
of course, Mark promptly took the door right back down to paint it, and then he only got to paint half of it before we ran out of semi-warm days and it got too cold to spray it outside, but the paint gun makes a much nicer finish than brushing and rolling, so now the half-painted door is hanging out in the living room with the box spring and the giant roll of carpet that got delivered over the weekend. we are nothing if not super classy folks, y'all.
up next: painting, painting, painting, and then carpet!
pathetic.
so instead of that, let me tell you all about our new door!
the door showed up in the hallway right before the weekend of snowpocalypse 2016. Mark wanted to make sure we were fully prepared for every possible scenario that might have come along with being snowed in under two feet of snow for a few days, so we stocked up on milk, bread, rock salt, and pre-hung doors.
one of the many, many little details in this project was the doorway threshold. even though this doorway was original to the house, it had already been turned into a plain old wall when the hardwood floors were installed in the hallway, and then it was still a wall when the floors were refinished last year, so we needed to add a few boards in the new doorway so the transition into the room looked intentional and like this door had always been here.
we had plenty of hardwood left over from the kitchen renovation, as well as the stain and poly, so we didn't need to buy any new materials to make this fix. it's one of those little details that probably won't ever be noticed when everything is all done, because Mark did a really good job with it and its really pretty seamless.
once the hardwood was all patched in, Mark installed the door and trim. he was able to reuse the trim that he took off the old closet, so it is a perfect match to the rest of the trim in the hallway.
side note: every time the air compressor kicks on, I jump like three feet in the air. scares me every single time.
look at that! a real-live door filling the door-sized hole in the wall!
of course, Mark promptly took the door right back down to paint it, and then he only got to paint half of it before we ran out of semi-warm days and it got too cold to spray it outside, but the paint gun makes a much nicer finish than brushing and rolling, so now the half-painted door is hanging out in the living room with the box spring and the giant roll of carpet that got delivered over the weekend. we are nothing if not super classy folks, y'all.
up next: painting, painting, painting, and then carpet!
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
looking back, looking ahead.
well, its that time of year again. actually I'm probably a little late on this, but now is when I'm finally getting around to find time to reflect on the past year - to see the good, the bad, the frustrating, and the awesome. time to think ahead to the fresh year laid out in front of us, and make up some thoughts and goals about what we think the days ahead of us will hold and how they will go. it all seems a little arbitrary, but there's still something comforting about the process. so here goes:
in 2015, i wanted to... ...finish the kitchen renovation with sanity and grace. this is big and exciting and a huge blessing. i want to keep that in mind rather than just freaking out over all the details.
wow. this seems like it was SO long ago. last year, we were deep in the trenches of this massive renovation. this year, we have been enjoying the finished product for 9 months and it already feels like our house has been this way forever. as for my attitude during the process? I think I did ok. i don't remember yelling at any contractors. I do remember feeling overwhelmed by just how awesome and nice everything was, and pleased by all of the guys who worked to make it happen.
calling this a win.
...feel good in my skin. whether i lose some weight, clear up my face, grow my hair out, or just shift my personal perception of myself, i just want to feel better.
still growing my hair out. haven't weighed myself all year. got rid of some 'fat' clothes. simplified my closet. still working on that whole 'clear up my face' thing, and i still have overly emotional days when everything is just the worst, but overall i feel pretty good about where I'm at. win.
...focus on intentionally healthy choices: walk. eat salads. less sugar-bomb snacks. more jazzercise.
a bit of a roller coaster on this one. i think there are only so many salads a person can handle before you just need to sit down with a bag of Hershey's kisses and just eat the whole thing. still love jazzercise though. half-win.
...be more organized. this includes previous years goals of closing my extraneous bank account, starting the big book of everything, budgeting, finishing up some half-done projects, and hopefully just generally feeling more like a responsible adult.
ha. hahahahahahaha. nope. I'm just as big a mess as ever. but I'm starting to realize that most other people don't quite have it all together either, and if i remember that everyone else is just guessing too, then i don't have to be as disappointed in myself. just keep swimming.
...host parties. i'm going to have such a nice new kitchen, it would be a shame not to share it with people i love.
this year we hosted my birthday, Mothers Day, had our community group over every week, did Christmas with friends, game night with coworkers, and even threw a last-minute New Years Eve party. not too shabby.
...spend time outside. sunshine is the best. and not much beats that wonderful exhausted feeling after a long day spent working or playing outside. i'd like to do more of that this year.
good not great. i think? i definitely was outside this year: i hunted a lot of waterfalls, hiked in different places, soaked up the sunshine and have the pictures to prove it. but i know i also spent plenty of time inside. since i don't really have a way to quantify this one, I'm going to go ahead and give myself the benefit of the doubt and call it a win.
...get pregnant. this is something i dont really talk about much, because it is extremely personal and because i dont want anyone asking me "how's it going? *winkwinknudgegiggle*" ugh. awkward. no thanks. so why put it on the list? because i've been pretty singularly focused on it for the past 10 months but haven't let myself talk about it much, and it just feels good to put it in writing.
nope. moving on.
...take pictures. because i want to be able to look back someday and remember my everyday life, along with the big events.
i definitely took a lot of pictures this year. i also spent a lot of time really enjoying just being with people i love instead of attempting to just document that time. this is a weird one to try and strike a balance, but I'm feeling ok with it. win.
...go to the beach. i just love it.
spent a week at the Outer Banks in August. and it was lovely. win.
...have fun. smile. laugh. relax. be silly. just fun.
so many good moments this year. plenty of laughter. so much fun. win.
my gut-reaction to 2015 was that it was a tough year. there were a lot of tears this year, and loss, and disappointments. but looking at these goals i made last January and seeing how many wins are on this list (7 out of 10 what!!) well, its just a nice reminder that along with the less-than pleasant moments is always sprinkled in plenty of joy and grace and goodness. they always go hand-in-hand, because you can't really appreciate one without the other. if everything is good, then nothing is. or something like that.
well, this post is already super long, and i don't really feel a great need to do too much looking ahead at this particular moment, so let's just save that for a separate post. okay? okay.
in 2015, i wanted to... ...finish the kitchen renovation with sanity and grace. this is big and exciting and a huge blessing. i want to keep that in mind rather than just freaking out over all the details.
wow. this seems like it was SO long ago. last year, we were deep in the trenches of this massive renovation. this year, we have been enjoying the finished product for 9 months and it already feels like our house has been this way forever. as for my attitude during the process? I think I did ok. i don't remember yelling at any contractors. I do remember feeling overwhelmed by just how awesome and nice everything was, and pleased by all of the guys who worked to make it happen.
calling this a win.
...feel good in my skin. whether i lose some weight, clear up my face, grow my hair out, or just shift my personal perception of myself, i just want to feel better.
still growing my hair out. haven't weighed myself all year. got rid of some 'fat' clothes. simplified my closet. still working on that whole 'clear up my face' thing, and i still have overly emotional days when everything is just the worst, but overall i feel pretty good about where I'm at. win.
...focus on intentionally healthy choices: walk. eat salads. less sugar-bomb snacks. more jazzercise.
a bit of a roller coaster on this one. i think there are only so many salads a person can handle before you just need to sit down with a bag of Hershey's kisses and just eat the whole thing. still love jazzercise though. half-win.
...be more organized. this includes previous years goals of closing my extraneous bank account, starting the big book of everything, budgeting, finishing up some half-done projects, and hopefully just generally feeling more like a responsible adult.
ha. hahahahahahaha. nope. I'm just as big a mess as ever. but I'm starting to realize that most other people don't quite have it all together either, and if i remember that everyone else is just guessing too, then i don't have to be as disappointed in myself. just keep swimming.
...host parties. i'm going to have such a nice new kitchen, it would be a shame not to share it with people i love.
this year we hosted my birthday, Mothers Day, had our community group over every week, did Christmas with friends, game night with coworkers, and even threw a last-minute New Years Eve party. not too shabby.
...spend time outside. sunshine is the best. and not much beats that wonderful exhausted feeling after a long day spent working or playing outside. i'd like to do more of that this year.
good not great. i think? i definitely was outside this year: i hunted a lot of waterfalls, hiked in different places, soaked up the sunshine and have the pictures to prove it. but i know i also spent plenty of time inside. since i don't really have a way to quantify this one, I'm going to go ahead and give myself the benefit of the doubt and call it a win.
...get pregnant. this is something i dont really talk about much, because it is extremely personal and because i dont want anyone asking me "how's it going? *winkwinknudgegiggle*" ugh. awkward. no thanks. so why put it on the list? because i've been pretty singularly focused on it for the past 10 months but haven't let myself talk about it much, and it just feels good to put it in writing.
nope. moving on.
...take pictures. because i want to be able to look back someday and remember my everyday life, along with the big events.
i definitely took a lot of pictures this year. i also spent a lot of time really enjoying just being with people i love instead of attempting to just document that time. this is a weird one to try and strike a balance, but I'm feeling ok with it. win.
...go to the beach. i just love it.
spent a week at the Outer Banks in August. and it was lovely. win.
...have fun. smile. laugh. relax. be silly. just fun.
so many good moments this year. plenty of laughter. so much fun. win.
my gut-reaction to 2015 was that it was a tough year. there were a lot of tears this year, and loss, and disappointments. but looking at these goals i made last January and seeing how many wins are on this list (7 out of 10 what!!) well, its just a nice reminder that along with the less-than pleasant moments is always sprinkled in plenty of joy and grace and goodness. they always go hand-in-hand, because you can't really appreciate one without the other. if everything is good, then nothing is. or something like that.
well, this post is already super long, and i don't really feel a great need to do too much looking ahead at this particular moment, so let's just save that for a separate post. okay? okay.
Friday, January 8, 2016
guest room update: drywall.
want to see something cool? suddenly, thanks to internet magic and the fact that I haven't posted an update in over a month - we have a real wall in the guest room!
front room, from the new hole in the wall.
truth is, Mark gets all the credit for this. he has been working on this project pretty much every available minute he has on nights and weekends: drywalling, spackling, sanding, and priming. He focused his efforts primarily on the back room, to make sure our friends had a place to sleep that wasn't the couch when they came to visit the weekend before Christmas. as it was, we were able to provide them with four complete walls, a complete ceiling with a proper ceiling fan/light combo, a door, and a bed! well, a mattress on the floor, but still.
from the hallway, the view into the guest room hasn't changed all that much:
but once you step into the room, that new wall makes a big difference.
I'm starting to really get excited about these two rooms. I think it will make our house make a lot more sense, and add a lot of functional space that was lacking when this was all one big room.
Now that the holidays are over, Mark has been able to keep working in the front room, and basically has it done to the same point as the back room. if all goes well, we might be able to get some real paint on the walls this weekend!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
hole in the wall.
yesterday, I spent my evening working late, grocery shopping, and snuggling under a blanket on the couch with the beginnings of a head cold and my newest tv addiction. (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. terrible name, hilarious show)
Mark, on the other hand, spent his evening working out and cutting a hole in our hallway wall.
I knew he was doing this, and yet it was still very shocking to actually SEE a doorway-sized hole when I got up off the couch to head to bed. and then it startled me again this morning when I woke up. this whole two-rooms-instead-of-one thing is really starting to come together.
drywall installation for the new wall starts tonight!
Mark, on the other hand, spent his evening working out and cutting a hole in our hallway wall.
doors, L-R: basement, front bedroom, back bedroom, hall closet
I knew he was doing this, and yet it was still very shocking to actually SEE a doorway-sized hole when I got up off the couch to head to bed. and then it startled me again this morning when I woke up. this whole two-rooms-instead-of-one thing is really starting to come together.
view from the new door into the front bedroom.
drywall installation for the new wall starts tonight!
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