golf for dummies, by dummies.

1. you should probably own a putter. and just in case you were wondering, the club in your bag with the P printed on the bottom is not it. that's apparently a pitching wedge. looks nothing like a putter. common mistake, i hear.

 

2. only use a tee once per hole. tees belong in the tee box, when you tee off. that's it. once you're out on the fairway (or the rough, or the sandtrap) your tee is of no use. leave it in the cart. or your pocket. but if you put it in your pocket, remember that's where it is or else you will look silly after you lose or break all of your tees and then have to borrow a tee only to find that a tee has been hiding in your pocket for the last couple hours.

3. keep your head down. if you lift your head, or take your eye off the ball, or blink at the wrong time, you will either whiff or send the ball flying into a tree or watch it land approximately 10 feet in front of you. generally you would like to get more distance out of your swings. (hits? strokes? i dont understand golf lingo)

4. dont be afraid of divots. divots happen. if you are aftraid of them, you will likely swing too high and just nick the top of the ball, or whiff completely. because golf is a giant frustrating head-game. neither of these will get the ball much closer to the green. hit the ball, fill the hole, and move on.

5. your drink tickets are a perk, not a challenge. so you have four drink tickets. and then your friend gives you their three they aren't using. and then someone else slips you five more. this is not a challenge to down a dozen beers before 2pm.  enjoy your drinks, but keep in mind that maybe a company event is not the best opportunity to be shotgunning beers in the parking lot.

6. sometimes the best ball is in the sand. whoops.

7. your golf glove is probably more fancy than you realize. in fact, it might even come with a built-in ball marker. looks like a useless snap-on decoration, actually a useful piece of golf equipment. i discovered mine on about the 17th hole of the day. so fancy!

8. there is no number eight. i dont know that much about golf.
but look! video! not as funny as last years, but proof that every now and again i can hit a decent shot.

 

 

round two.

the office is all a-buzz with talk of drivers and irons this afternoon.  there were at least a dozen people at the driving range over lunch. yes, it is company golf tournament time once again. and yes, once again i am right in the thick of it.

tomorrow, i will play my second round of golf. ever.  and surprisingly, i am not the most inexperienced person on our team this year. in fact, i even have my very own clubs. i got them at a yardsale this summer - spent ten whole dollars on the entire set, including the fancy new bag. they are men's clubs, which means i have to choke up on my driver a good bit, but for what averages out to less than a dollar per club? i can deal with that.

i also have my very own golf glove. it is white with pink accents. i was hoping to find one with some red and black in it (to match my fancy golf bag of course) but apparently women who golf can only have pink things. because breast cancer. or something like that.

today i learned how to drive the ball straight more consistently. i thought it involved "breaking my wrists" but apparently that is not the correct terminology - rather, i learned how to "snap my wrists" which sounds just as painful. in reality, i learned that if i roll my wrists forward right when i hit the ball, while also managing to keep the head of my club turned just so, and my left arm stays straight, with my knees bent, and my head down, (this reminds me of a girl scout song!) and then finally  follow through just right, then sometimes the ball goes kind of straight.

the rest of the time, it generally veers in the direction of other people's heads.

my teammates are planning to bring helmets to the tournament tomorrow. i think they're only half-joking.

you doubt? a demonstration!

so yeah, about that whole golf thing...

i did it. i spent a whole day on a golf course. and... it wasn't terrible. definitely not the worst way i've ever spent a day.

what's that? you don't believe me? you think that i'm just making up this whole ridiculous story just to have something interesting to blog about? you want proof? i'll show you proof.

here is my golf cart:

see, my name is right on it! 

and this is me, sitting in my golf cart:

there. proof that i was totally on the golf course on saturday.

what now? you say that doesn't count? you want to actually see pictures of actual golf actually happening?

ok fine. here is some real, live golf happening:

driving 

putting 

whiffing

(please note the ball still firmly on the ground)

i can sense from here that you are thinking about calling shenanigans on this whole amanda-went-golfing business. but speaking of shenanigans...

babboon butt driver cover 

golf carts and curbs dont mix 

fishing for golf balls 

 happy gilmore

(there is video of this, but i'm having trouble uploading it.)

**UPDATED** LOOK!!! VIDEO!!!!!

doesn't golf look like so much fun? oh. you're still not convinced. i get it. because really, what do those pictures prove? that golf really happened on saturday and i was there to document it? whoop-dee-freakin-doo. golf happens all the time. i know what you came here to see. so here you go: pictures of me. golfing.



me and my (borrowed) driver

 lining up my drive

gosh, i have fantastic form... not.

i sank a few good putts. this was not one of them. 

and the real kicker for this post, my piece de resistance, is the video that my golf buddy shot of my drive on the last hole of the day. and as soon as i can figure out how to upload it without getting an error message, i'm going to do that. because i've watched it approximately a million times already because it just makes me happy, and i want to share that joy with you.

**UPDATED** MORE VIDEO!!!

spoiler alert: we didn't win the tournament. we didn't even place in our division. our team shot one over par for the course, which i think is pretty darn impressive. (especially with me on the team!) and it was a fun day spent with nice, encouraging people so i call that a definite win overall. and i might even be able to be convinced to do it again next year, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens in my potential future sort of maybe golf "career."

yardsale finds: bonus edition.

who would have thought that at the end of October i would be subjected to a rollercoaster of yardsale related emotions. you see, it was my understanding that yardsale season was pretty much done and over months ago. but then, i got excited as i noticed yardsale signs popping up all over last week. and then, i got sad when i remembered that i was going to be golfing all day Saturday. but then, i found out the tournament didn't start until noon which left me ample opportunity to leave the house a little bit earlier on Saturday and stop at a few sales that just so happened to be (mostly) right on the way to the golf course!  

 

(clockwise-ish from left, as always)

wooden slatted folding chair, blue glass fishbowl thing, jodi picoult book (they all make me cry but i just can't quit her), metal recipe card holder(?) that i'm going to try and use as a mail organizer.
Total Spent: $10.50

my new golf buddies seemed kind of impressed that i had been yardsaling before the tournament, and even more impressed with what i got versus how much i spent. they also told me to be on the lookout for my own set of golf clubs at yardsales, since i'm a "real golfer" now. maybe next year.

this golf thing is driving a wedge between us.

there was a point in my college career at which i realized that eventually college would end, and that ending would require some degree of growing up, and that growing up would more than likely involve stretching myself in some ways beyond my collegiate comfort zone and doing new, adult-ish things. i do believe the words that came out of my mouth, spoken under my breath to my friend who was seated next to me so as not to disrupt the presenter with my epiphany, were the following:

 

"crap, i'm going to have to learn how to golf, huh?"

fast forward no less than four years to today. in a moment of temporary insanity and an attempt to build relationships with my coworkers, i signed up to participate in the company golf tournament in two weeks. up until this moment, my golf experience has been... how should i put this delicately... limited. but i mean its not like i've never touched a golf club before. i'm a half-decent mini-golfer. and i played par-3 that one time in high school. and sure, i did manage to hit my ball into the pond, but i was wearing khakis while i did it so that counts for something right?

yesterday, a conversation broke out about 3-irons and 5-woods and it was like everyone was speaking pig-latin or maybe just actual latin and i just wasn't in on the joke but what i think i learned is that the 3-iron is useless and i probably shouldnt use a men's driver. also, this joke:

Bob: so what do you do when you are out on the course and a thunderstorm rolls in?
Jon: well, i usually run to the middle of the green and hold my 1-iron straight up in the air.
Bob: why on earth would you do that? don't you know you could get struck by lightning?
Jon: it doesn't worry me at all. even God can't hit a 1-iron.

apparently that's funny for mysteriously unknown golf-related reasons.

i am one member of a four-person team. i signed up with three other people who actually had a number to put in the "handicap/average score" box. they convinced me that "yes" would not be an appropriate response when asked if i had a golf handicap, so i just put "1st timer" in that box. our team is going to the driving range over lunch today. probably again next week too. and i am planning a shopping trip over the weekend for an appropriate khaki/plaid/argyle golf outfit to help me blend in with the old pros. it seems like a pretty good plan, and i'm excited to be a part of it.

wish me luck!