golf for dummies, by dummies.

1. you should probably own a putter. and just in case you were wondering, the club in your bag with the P printed on the bottom is not it. that's apparently a pitching wedge. looks nothing like a putter. common mistake, i hear.

 

2. only use a tee once per hole. tees belong in the tee box, when you tee off. that's it. once you're out on the fairway (or the rough, or the sandtrap) your tee is of no use. leave it in the cart. or your pocket. but if you put it in your pocket, remember that's where it is or else you will look silly after you lose or break all of your tees and then have to borrow a tee only to find that a tee has been hiding in your pocket for the last couple hours.

3. keep your head down. if you lift your head, or take your eye off the ball, or blink at the wrong time, you will either whiff or send the ball flying into a tree or watch it land approximately 10 feet in front of you. generally you would like to get more distance out of your swings. (hits? strokes? i dont understand golf lingo)

4. dont be afraid of divots. divots happen. if you are aftraid of them, you will likely swing too high and just nick the top of the ball, or whiff completely. because golf is a giant frustrating head-game. neither of these will get the ball much closer to the green. hit the ball, fill the hole, and move on.

5. your drink tickets are a perk, not a challenge. so you have four drink tickets. and then your friend gives you their three they aren't using. and then someone else slips you five more. this is not a challenge to down a dozen beers before 2pm.  enjoy your drinks, but keep in mind that maybe a company event is not the best opportunity to be shotgunning beers in the parking lot.

6. sometimes the best ball is in the sand. whoops.

7. your golf glove is probably more fancy than you realize. in fact, it might even come with a built-in ball marker. looks like a useless snap-on decoration, actually a useful piece of golf equipment. i discovered mine on about the 17th hole of the day. so fancy!

8. there is no number eight. i dont know that much about golf.
but look! video! not as funny as last years, but proof that every now and again i can hit a decent shot.