golf for dummies, by dummies.

1. you should probably own a putter. and just in case you were wondering, the club in your bag with the P printed on the bottom is not it. that's apparently a pitching wedge. looks nothing like a putter. common mistake, i hear.

 

2. only use a tee once per hole. tees belong in the tee box, when you tee off. that's it. once you're out on the fairway (or the rough, or the sandtrap) your tee is of no use. leave it in the cart. or your pocket. but if you put it in your pocket, remember that's where it is or else you will look silly after you lose or break all of your tees and then have to borrow a tee only to find that a tee has been hiding in your pocket for the last couple hours.

3. keep your head down. if you lift your head, or take your eye off the ball, or blink at the wrong time, you will either whiff or send the ball flying into a tree or watch it land approximately 10 feet in front of you. generally you would like to get more distance out of your swings. (hits? strokes? i dont understand golf lingo)

4. dont be afraid of divots. divots happen. if you are aftraid of them, you will likely swing too high and just nick the top of the ball, or whiff completely. because golf is a giant frustrating head-game. neither of these will get the ball much closer to the green. hit the ball, fill the hole, and move on.

5. your drink tickets are a perk, not a challenge. so you have four drink tickets. and then your friend gives you their three they aren't using. and then someone else slips you five more. this is not a challenge to down a dozen beers before 2pm.  enjoy your drinks, but keep in mind that maybe a company event is not the best opportunity to be shotgunning beers in the parking lot.

6. sometimes the best ball is in the sand. whoops.

7. your golf glove is probably more fancy than you realize. in fact, it might even come with a built-in ball marker. looks like a useless snap-on decoration, actually a useful piece of golf equipment. i discovered mine on about the 17th hole of the day. so fancy!

8. there is no number eight. i dont know that much about golf.
but look! video! not as funny as last years, but proof that every now and again i can hit a decent shot.

 

 

round two.

the office is all a-buzz with talk of drivers and irons this afternoon.  there were at least a dozen people at the driving range over lunch. yes, it is company golf tournament time once again. and yes, once again i am right in the thick of it.

tomorrow, i will play my second round of golf. ever.  and surprisingly, i am not the most inexperienced person on our team this year. in fact, i even have my very own clubs. i got them at a yardsale this summer - spent ten whole dollars on the entire set, including the fancy new bag. they are men's clubs, which means i have to choke up on my driver a good bit, but for what averages out to less than a dollar per club? i can deal with that.

i also have my very own golf glove. it is white with pink accents. i was hoping to find one with some red and black in it (to match my fancy golf bag of course) but apparently women who golf can only have pink things. because breast cancer. or something like that.

today i learned how to drive the ball straight more consistently. i thought it involved "breaking my wrists" but apparently that is not the correct terminology - rather, i learned how to "snap my wrists" which sounds just as painful. in reality, i learned that if i roll my wrists forward right when i hit the ball, while also managing to keep the head of my club turned just so, and my left arm stays straight, with my knees bent, and my head down, (this reminds me of a girl scout song!) and then finally  follow through just right, then sometimes the ball goes kind of straight.

the rest of the time, it generally veers in the direction of other people's heads.

my teammates are planning to bring helmets to the tournament tomorrow. i think they're only half-joking.

well that's a first.

Dear Self -

let's get it together and either get skinny, or get pregnant.

let's save ourselves and those around us from any more super-awkward copy-room encounters and get out of this in-between, yes i really AM just fat, i'd rather not have to get into the specifics of my menstrual cycle to prove it to you, middle-ground of awkwardness.

for everyone's sake, let's start exercising again pleaseandthankyou.

Love Always,
Mando

PS apparently those super-comfortable new maxi skirts are not doing your midsection any favors right now. suck it in, girlfriend.

on coffee creamers and thievery.

so, what is the etiquette for those little coffee creamers at the gas station?

asking for a friend.

they just sit there near the coffee, all sorts of varieties and flavors, as a courtesy to coffee drinkers. but there's no cost explicitly associated with them. your cup of coffee costs the same whether you add seven creamers to it, or none. so are they free? because that doesn't seem like a sustainable business model for the gas station. or is it more likely that the cost of them just automatically factored into the price of the coffee, assuming an average number of creamers that would be used per cup of coffee? would the gas station then turn a profit if no one took creamer in their coffee?

but the real question here is: how unethical would it be for a person to just... take a few creamers for their own brewed-at-home travel mug of coffee?

again, asking for a friend.

would that be a definitely-going-to-hell kind of offense? (after all, stealing is addressed as one of the ten commandments) or is it more of a kind-of-a-gray-area sort of issue? does it depend on how desperate one is for their morning coffee? let's say that a person absent-mindedly drank the last of the milk in the house before brewing their morning cup, leaving them with an undrinkable travel mug of coffee and no time to spare before having to head out the door? what if said person had every intention of actually buying something at the gas station in order to offset their creamer cost, but then it turns out there was a giant line at the register and seriously you guys she was already running late at that point and there was no time to waste.

is that stealing? or just taking advantage of a universally-provided courtesy?

my friend is conflicted.