Monday, February 21, 2011

shift.

if i can be completely honest, open, and real with you internets, i have some thoughts i just need to put into writing... if only to have a record of them in a week or two when the impact of them has possibly faded a little back into the haze of the mundane everyday.

the past few weeks, well actually most of this winter, for me has been not-so-good. i have laughed less, cried more, been less productive and less motivated than i have any other year. its been hard for me to find my joy - not in the beauty of the snow, the love of my life, or even a good project. my to-do list has grown at a rate that is way faster than i could even imagine being able to keep up with. as a result it has taken most of my energy on any given day to just make dinner, keep the kitchen (relatively) clean, and (almost) stay on top of the laundry. it was like treading water, not moving forward with anything, and barely keeping my head up.

i have been so consistently stressed that the smallest imperfection in my day had the power to cause a major mental meltdown, whether it be a snowy driveway on my way to work that made staying in bed crying all morning with no tangible reason the only solution, or a shopping trip alone that led to a mini-breakdown in the dressing room in a shirt that actually made me look fantastic, or just sitting and thinking too long about my seemingly insurmountable un-done to-do list. it made no sense to me why i felt like my life was out of control, like i had no time to do anything, like i was a failure.

i was an absolute wreck.

yesterday morning in church, my pastor said something that really stuck out to me: "when your idol (what you worship) shakes, you shake." this hit me hard, because i know that i have been easily shaken this winter. i think i've been trying too hard, putting too much pressure on myself, expecting myself to somehow be the perfect housewife. my expectations have become my idol. in a sense, I have become my own idol.

i need to shift my focus back to the One who is truly worthy of my worship and adoration - my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ - and trust that everything will work out according to His perfect plan.

yesterday was a good day. Mark took down our Christmas lights off the front porch and started hanging some picture frames in our bedroom. i did a monstrously-intense cleaning of our bathrooms and crafted something little and fun. we made a good lunch and thought about doing the dishes afterwards. i washed a load of towels, and even put them in the dryer (theyre still in the dryer). we went to the evening church event and cheered loudly for the baptisms.

we made forward progress. we had some fun. it wasnt perfect, and we still have a long way to go.

i am still an absolute wreck.

but that's ok.

because my God is perfect, He's bigger than any of my plans, and He is in control of my life, and He is unshakeable.

***

i've had this song by Francesca Battistelli running on repeat in my head today, and it makes me smile.

"i lost my keys in the great uknown,
and call me please 'cause i can't find my phone.
this is the stuff that drives me crazy,
this is the stuff that's getting to me lately,
in the middle of my little mess i forget how big i'm blessed.
this is the stuff that gets under my skin
but i've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
it might not be what i would choose, but this is the stuff you use...

...so break me of impatience
conquer my frustrations
i've got a new appreciation
its not the end of the world."

2 comments:

Claire said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brenda's Man said...

You do realize that you make your father cry with pride as i see you growing in faith. I feel pretty sure OUR Father feels the same way about you! Zeph. 3:17