an idiot's guide to theater etiquette.

1. dress the part. if there's ever a good excuse to dress up fancy, its for a trip to the theater. your brand new super flattering dress? wear it. that fancy bridesmaid's dress you never thought you'd ever wear again? wear it. those ties your grandma keeps buying for you? now's your chance to actually wear one. but your soccer warm ups? um, no. your favorite flourescent yellow hoodie? leave it at home.

i'm the one in the flattering new dress taking this unflattering picture. mark is the one not wearing a tie because i'm slowly learning to pick my battles.

2. arrive early. keep in mind, once you get to the theater you'll want time to grab a drink, peruse the merchandise, and use the restroom before finding your seat, so plan to have enough time for that. always a good rule of thumb: if you're on time, you're late.

3. put your camera away. and your stinkin' smart phone too. photography is usually not permitted inside the theater. i know its super tempting because its super exciting and the opening curtain just looks! so! cool! but. the ushers will yell at you. and that is embarrasing. save yourself the embarrasment and take pictures everywhere except in the theater.

like in the lobby, when you're extra early and need to kill some time. ps he's smoking a giant imaginary pipe like a snobby theater-goer. obvsly.

4. find your seats in a timely fashion. if you are tracking with the rules so far, this should be no problem. the problems arise when you arrive late, because once the lights go down it is not only much more difficult to read the letters and numbers on the seats, but also much more likely that your stumbling around in the dark will annoy your fellow theater-goers.

a very abbreviated guide to theater seating:

- rows are labeled alphabetically in ascending order.   

- seats are numbered from left to right facing the stage.

- when in doubt, ask an usher for help.

and for the love of Oz, please enter your row from the correct end so as to minimize the number of people you have to make stand up as you shuffle past. this is not only a pain to those in your row, but also those in the rows behind you who paid to see a show, not the butts of the people in front of them.

THIS is what i came to see

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5. remain seated. yes, the whole time. see above re: shuffling in and out of rows. this is not only disrespectful to those seated around you, but also to the actors on stage. your drink refill is not that important, and it can wait. but if you think otherwise, and you have already arrived late and then left again in the middle of the act, dont be surprised if the ushers refuse to let you back into your row and make you stand. enough is enough.

6. come back after intermission. you guys! intermission wasn't the end! you missed the whole second half of the show! how sad for you...

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7. ENJOY!!! going to the theater is fun! seeing Wicked at the theater for your anniversary is extra-fun! dont be embarrased to lip-sync to all the songs, because chances are at least half of the audience is doing the same thing. i mean, they totally were, right? i wasnt the only one, right?!? eh, i dont even care if i was. it was AH-MAZING!