Tuesday, March 26, 2013

this is my year.

i told you a couple weeks ago that i had a lot of thoughts about my birthday, and not a lot of time in which to write them all down. so this post for the past few weeks has been a work in progress for me - a place to try and sort through my thoughts a little bit at a time, whenever i had 15 or 5 or 2 minutes to spare.

i started writing a different post right before i left for birthday weekend. i only ever got as far as the title: "so tell me what i want, what i really really want." i had every intention of it being a deep self-reflective piece that would plunge into the depths of my inner mess and straighten out my jumbled up brain space into a coherant declaration of the really important things that were my truest desires. and then that didn't quite happen.

instead, i took a vacation day and headed to Pittsburgh to celebrate birthday weekend with my sister and my BFITW and her sister and whoever else we could rope into our shenanigans. and over the course of birthday weekend, i had an epiphany of sorts: i was really having fun, and i was hanging out with people who were really having fun, and it was all just a lot of really fun FUN. there was no stress. there were no tears (not even when we were driving dahntahn!). there was no worry. it felt awesome. and i realized just how much i missed that.

i realized that i have spent the last few years being kind of bogged down by life. i got caught up in the seriousness of everything - what with graduating college, landing a job, getting married, buying a house, fixing up said house, making dinner every night, keeping up with dishes and laundry, and just generally attempting to perfect my all-grown-up-and-responsible persona. i wanted my life to be perfect, i was trying really hard to achieve that, and i felt bad anytime i thought i was failing even just a little bit.

stress at work followed me home and turned into pointless stress-fights with the hubs. spending time on new projects meant saying no to spending time with friends. piles of laundry meant i was failing at life. 5 minutes spent on pinterest was all i could take before i became aware of just how much i wasn't doing right.

and i forgot. i forgot about spontaneous luau's. playing outside all afternoon. giggles. wacky tennis ball catch in the parking lot. living with a complete lack of self consciousness. the simple joy of balloons. the calming effect of that little jingle at the beginning of an episode of Gilmore Girls. so many simple little things that bring me great joy.

maybe its a little bit of wisdom coming with age. maybe its wistful nostalgia for a past that i can never get back. maybe it was just finally getting a taste of sunshine and warmer weather. but i have a better handle on what i want now. an idea of what i want to do and who i want to be and how i want to live.

 embrace imperfect. live. laugh. plan more. plan less. focus on family. relax. and enjoy. focus on friends. read. craft. create. be present. seek joy. share love. play. smile.
be gracious. accept grace. have fun.

this is not to say that i am going to become irresponsible an unserious - because the laundry and dishes arent going to do themselves - but i am learning that there is a place for both in my life. so these are my goals for this year. for my 26th year. this is my year.

i'm already off to a great start: may this be the best year yet.

1 comment:

Brenda's Man said...

Somehow you find ways to make me prouder and prouder to be your father. Not that I take much credit, just that I'm glad to be a part of your life. I love you and yes, you WILL have a great year, the best year yet, but not the best year ever.