the plan. a/o i'm a jerk.

so the plan was ice skating. that is, until i decided for some reason after we already drove there and saw the mass amounts of middle and high school kids that i wouldnt have fun ice skating. i like ice skating really i do, but all of a sudden i heard myself saying 'i'll do this if you want but i wont really have fun.' who says stuff like that??? it was a perfectly good plan. and then my stupid mouth had to make up a dumb lie that middle school boys freak me out. what is wrong with me? do i want to sabatoge this? is that what im trying to do here? i like this kid. i like him even more cuz he doesn't hate me for bein a dumb jerk about ice skating. he made me stop saying i was a jerk, and at one point mandated (mostly joking) that i even stop thinking it.
we ended up borrowing a movie from his roommate (Shaun of the Dead. gross fake zombie movie) and watching it in my apt. he reassured me multiple times that he didnt care what we did, and that he wasnt upset about not ice skating, and he didnt even think i was ridiculously crazy. (although he did admit he liked the fact that the gross parts made me bury my head in his shoulder.) in fact, after explaining that he thinks things through for a long time before he acts on anything and that he's not a rash decision maker, he asked if we were at the point that we should change our facebook statuses (lol). and what do i say? in true indecisive sabatoge fashion i (queen of bad answers) say 'i dont know. you should know that im terrified of commitment and ive never been really good with the whole relationship thing... but i like you.' again - who says stuff like that???? so i avoided answering the question at hand in the most retarded way possible. and yet, he still likes me. we sat on the couch and talked after the movie ended, and when he had to leave he gave me a hug gnight and kissed my forehead.
why would i want to ruin such a sweet thing? do i not deserve to be happy and jus dont realize it? usually it takes a lil longer for the fact that im a complete mess to be made public knowledge. but this kid hasn't been scared away yet. and trust me, i'm not consciously trying to drive him away, but apparantly something in my subconscious is out to get me. maybe im a little scared of screwing this up, but that is no reason for me to (subconsciously or otherwise) sabatoge somethign this good.