in need of motivation.

or Why I Am Going to Look Awful in my Bathing Suit This Summer.

i have a confession to make: i am extremely self-conscious and self-critical when it comes to my body. deep down i KNOW that i am not overweight, or really all that unhealthy, and my husband tells me all the time just how amazing he thinks i look. but somedays, i just dont see it in myself. instead, i see a massive breakout. i see unruly hair. i see the little bit of lovehandles that stick out over those-jeans-that-used-to-be-a-little-loose. i see the part of my gut that i cant suck in no matter how hard i try. i know what i want to see in the mirror, what i used to see in the mirror, and instead i have my comfort-food-winter-weight body looking back at me. and i want SO MUCH to get back to where i want to be.

but it is just SO HARD to be good, and to eat healthy, and to keep excercising. and since i am a lazy bum, instead of going for a run or something, i decided to spend my time making a list of things i can blame for why i'm having such a hard time toning back up and getting myself into bathing-suit shape.

1. Easter. not the part where Jesus rose from the dead (He is risen, INDEED!), or the part where i get a reason to dress up in a pretty dress* and fabulous new heels that took me three weeks to break in. i lovelovelove both of those things.

but whose idea was it to put the holiday with the sugar and the chocolate and the chocolate covered peanut butter and the JELLYBEANS right at the end of winter and the beginning of training for bathing suit season? you are mean and sadistic Corporate Easter Candy Man. and i would hate you except that i'm kind of on too much of a jellybean-induced sugar high to be angry.

2. cheetos. and donuts. and chocolate. and jellybeans. junk food just tastes too good!

3. my bathroom scale. i am scared of it. i have not weighed myself in well over a year. one time, i decided to be healthy. i bought a scale. it was pretty and glass and looked hip and trendy. (well, as hip and trendy as a cheap bathroom scale can look) and i think it told me my weight a grand total of ONE TIME before it stopped working. i bought it new batteries. it sputtered and died again. i gave up.
for our wedding, we registered for a new scale. one that needed no batteries. it has a slightly retro feel to it. i refuse to stand on it. because i know that i wont be able to blame the batteries or lack thereof for whatever number it will tell me. i kind of dont want to know.

4. my own messed up sense of a reward system. for example: on days that i am extra good, or i go to Jazzercise, or i go for a run, i feel good about myself. therefore, i feel like i need to be rewarded. with ice cream. sometimes topped with strawberrys if i'm still feeling a little healthy. but sometimes topped with oreos and chocolate chips. and always doused with a heavy helping of dark chocolate syrup. and if that doesnt cancel out any and all effects of my lame attempts at a healthy lifestyle, then i dont even know what.

5. my propensity for making excuses. because there is always something else to be done. something that needs to be cleaned. laundry that cannot wait. dishes to clean. toenails to be painted. books to be read. projects to think about starting. and really if i were to take time to work out right now, then none of that other stuff would get done and i would just be a big epic fail of a person and we cant have that now can we?

maybe this month will be the one where i start to get it together. maybe...

* yay for finding a way to post pictures of me and my pretty Easter dress a week late and still be in context!