because actually rear-ending him would not have ended well.

to the old man in the ugly green-gray volvo:

thank you so much for making yesterday's morning commute extra memorable.

you see, i have driven behind you on several mornings. we take allll the same back roads in the morning. in fact, i know your license plate number, and that you work right across the street from my office building. i know this all sounds kind of stalker-ish, but i promise you, i just have nothing better to do with my half-awake mind in the morning than take note of the few cars around me.

i know you in particular because i seem to get stuck behind you quite often. because you tend to drive a bit slower than i would prefer. when i have the absolute pleasure of meeting you on the roads, you tend to add several minutes onto my commute, which means that i have to endure several extra minutes before i can get to the office, with its deliciously free coffee. you see, i love my cup of free caffiene in the morning, and i don't always function well until i have it.

i guess you have noticed me too. my orange car isnt exactly inconspicuous. and i would just like to take a moment and thank you for acknowledging me yesterday morning. it really made my day.

because when you hit your brakes as i drove up behind you, just because you thought i was following you a little too closely because there wasn't a full three car lengths between us? that was super-cool. i can't think of anything i was hoping for more on my morning commute than almost getting into a car accident. and then when you raised a hand in frustration to your rearview mirror? that just poured on the awesomesauce. there's nothing i like more than getting blamed and punished for something i didn't do. you really know how to make a girl feel special.

and i really do hope that 'make a stranger cry on their way to work' was on your bucket list, because if so, i want you to know that you can just go ahead and cross that one off. unless it doesn't count because i had just heard a sad song on the radio. so if that is the case and you still need to make someone cry based solely on your actions without the aid of any outside circumstances, then i am so sorry that i was not able to help you this time. but please let me know if  you need any help with other things on your list like 'trip someone into traffic' or 'punch a woman in the ovaries' and especially ' administer cruel and unusual forms of torture.' that would be super-fun.

if in the future we are fortunate enough to commute to work together, i hope that i can make your day just as wonderful as you made mine yesterday. perhaps i might decide to drive 20 mph all the way to work, or cause you to veer off the road, or even manage to make you feel the need to call your mommy in tears. just to let you know that i do see you there, and i would really cherish having the opportunity to make your day.

with much sarcasm,
Mando.