in which i am reminded.

this post is long overdue. really, any post is long overdue. its been a while since i have actually taken some time to sit and think with myself and put into writing some of my thoughts, my struggles, my hopes and dreams, my fears.  i have neglected this blog recently - i forgot that its value lies not just in providing home improvement and general life updates to my family with marginally more words than is possible or generally acceptable in a Facebook post, but that i benefit from it as an outlet. it is a space to let off the steam that builds up between my ears so my head does not explode.  it is a place where i work through my thoughts in writing - typing, editing, deleting, discovering, and sharing. 

the sharing is an important part of this whole blogging process. i have tried journaling in various forms before, but none of them has ever really stuck.  for some reason, keeping my words private under lock and key just does not hold the same appeal for me as throwing my words out into the wild unknown ether of the interwebs. sharing my experiences with someone, anyone, somehow validates them- makes them known. maybe that makes me an attention whore? hmm...

this winter has been tough. i dont think i can go so far as to call it hard, because relatively speaking i am extremely fortunate, but maybe just a smidge on the less desireable side of comfortable. i think i come to this same conclusion every single winter. probably every single February, if you were crazy enough to take the time to go back through my archives of things i have written here, you would find either those exact words or a variation on the theme. winter is tough. i am not built for the cold. i'm having a hard time finding my joy in the cold months following Christmas. i just can't wait for spring to get here. as if the fact that i struggle with the winter months - the cold, the dark, the gray - is a new and surprising revelation. as if.

the fact that this is a recurring theme in my life year after year does not diminish the truth of the fact - i am not in a good place right now, at least that's how i'm feeling.  on the face of things, everything is great: i am married to a wonderful man who loves me. we are remodeling our home to better suit our needs and wants which will increase the value of our home and we're not going further into debt to do it. we have good jobs that we like going to every day. our families are generally happy and healthy and we have good relationships with them.

but because it is winter, i am unable to focus on all of those good things. Satan uses the cold dreary winter months to worm his way into my brain so that all i can see is how i am failing: how i am stressed and unorganized through the renovation. how i'm probably 25 or so pounds heavier than i would like to be. how my body is either unable or unwilling to cooperate with my desires to expand our family.  how my Pap's mind and health are failing and that is somehow reflective of a failing on my part - either to be able to fix it or to make it better or to just be there.

but i am learning. because my God is good. the best, really. and He is the one in control. and i am working on loosening my white-knuckle grip on the illusion that i am the one in control of my life. it's not easy, and i'm not there yet, and i'm not really even the one doing the work on this one.  because part of letting go and allowing God to be in control is actually about letting God work. and He promises that doing things His way will be so much better than the alternative i have been living.

 

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11