it was Pap.

i was shoveling the driveway on Sunday afternoon. the biggest snow event of the season, a whopping 6 whole inches, and i was digging us out while Mark worked inside on moving the attic access.  i about jumped out of my skin at the sound of his voice as it carried so loud and clear across the winter silence of the fresh snow- "Amanda, your mom is on the phone."

my mind was racing as i sprinted up the driveway and tossed my shovel into a snowbank, covering miles of mental ground as my body covered a couple hundred feet. it couldn't be Pap. he had to have more time than this.  Dad had just texted on Thursday night, a message that i didn't read until Friday morning, "Pap isn't doing well."  i had, just moments prior, laughed to myself about Pap's winter hat sitting high up on his head well above his ears, as i had just pushed my own hat up off my overheating forehead. he had to have more time than this.

we didn't go visit this weekend. we figured it would stress Gram out to have us arrive without any advance notice. we knew Pap would not recognize us, and we were not sure we wanted to remember him not remembering us. its selfish, but i wanted to remember him from this past summer, when he called me Girl and we danced in the kitchen. "Manda Dawn, what's that flower you have on?" in that moment, behind those eyes that had been confused and lost for so long, it was Pap.

mom's voice broke on the phone as she choked out the words that she didn't want to have to say and i didn't want to hear. it was Pap.