like a river.

so it turns out that planning a wedding and simultaneously trying to find a house that successfully allows two people to maintain their respective jobs in two different states but still fits into a modest budget is a little on the stressful side. on the first day of planning, i had a major meltdown. i have been close to tears two other times. i am not really worried about the wedding part of this whole planning process: thats the fun stuff. (its also the part that i'm in charge of) what gets to me is the house stuff. mostly just the fact that not having a house or any type of place of our own and not really having a good idea of what that will cost severely influences and sometimes limits our ability to set a plan and a budget, which are kind of important. as two engineering-minds going into this, Mark and I like to have a plan. we like to know everything, all the little details, or at least have some way of figuring them out. and yet here we are, with no plan. just waiting.
the other night i was getting ready for bed and freaking out a little to myself. it was looking to me like there was no way in heck that we were going to be able to pull this off. then i heard a voice singing 'it is well with my soul,' and i realized that it was me singing. it was as if God was placing his peace over me, wrapping his arms around me, and reminding me that HE is the one in control and that everything will work out.
its nice to be reminded of that. because no matter how hard i try, no matter how many plans i make, its not up to me. every day will be a struggle if i try to do it on my own. but if i make it a point to daily turn my life over to my Savior and my God, the creator of all things and Lord of the universe, the stress goes away and is replaced with peace.
i cannot do this on my own. i am not perfect. i will stumble, and i will fall. as someone more eloquent than i put it: i try to be so tough, but i'm just not strong enough. i can't do this alone God i need you to hold on to me. i try to be good enough but i'm nothing without your love -
Savior please, keep saving me.